Lesson 4: Test Him Early On

Right before Nathan and I became Us officially, I went from brunette to blonde. A big change just seemed appropriate. I had a new guy who was great; it was like turning a new leaf, all that kind of metaphorical mumbo jumbo. It was cute...possibly hot, in fact. The blonde, that is. Or at least he thought so. True to the male species, Nathan responded positively, to say the least, to my blonde ambition. It was a test of sorts, I suppose. Testing how he really reacts. Cataloguing his body language. Categorizing his facial expressions. Critiquing his verbal responses. All in the Nathan Section of my brain. You can learn a lot from a man, in my opinion, by watching how he responds to something he really likes early on in a relationship.

You can learn even more about a man, in my opinion, by watching exactly how he responds to something he really DOES NOT LIKE early on in a relationship. Nathan encountered my new blonde locks that June we were first together. By the following visit, the locks were gone. I had mentioned to Nathan that I was thinking of cutting my hair. Evidently, this is the last thing a man wants to hear. I know this now. I felt turning one leaf wasn't good enough. Had to turn another. I went to my stylist, flipped through some books, found a real cute, short cropped cut, did it, paid her, left, loved it. Short hair suits a minute bit of American females, and an even more minute bit of those with pumpkin heads like mine. Nevertheless, I am one of these women. Whom short hair suits. Or so I thought (and still do).

I am not so sure Nathan would agree. I remember I of course sported some cute new outfit to match my cute new haircut. Kind of a buffer I suppose. Now, I don't remember his initial reaction. However, I do remember sitting on his lap later that night on a stool in my apartment up at school. He was kind of leaning back and half frowning, fighting the full frown and commenting on it in this real slow carefully calculated register, "So...you...got...your...hair...cut. It looks...great." "Oh, really?" I pretended. "Do you like it?" I pleaded, batting my eyelashes. "Yeah. It looks...great," he replied with a stiff and wiggling upper lip.

During this exchange, I learned a few things: (Do you feel the list coming?)

1.) He may not always tell the truth when I ask him girl questions.

2.) He may consider my feelings when put in awkward and potentially disastrous situations.

3.) The Lip Thing.

A disclaimer before I explain. I don't know if all men have been blessed with the Lip Thing. It may present itself in different, yet similar, forms, i.e. possibly the Eye Thing, the Nose Thing, the Foot Thing. In a perfect world, they all have a Lip Thing and all we have to do is find it.

Here's what the Lip Thing is. You know how guys look when they are trying not to cry? That area above their top lip kind of stiffens and wiggles at the same time? (By the way, I have always thought that Wiggles would be a great dog name.) Well, that is the Lip Thing. Based on my observations spanning the last few years, Nathan does the Lip Thing in response to a few things:

1.) When he is trying not to cry.

2.) When he is kidding.

3.) When he is lying.

I find it important to report 99% effectiveness in noticing, identifying, and utilizing the Lip Thing. I have missed the signs and symptoms only once. (More on that later.)

It wasn't entirely noticeable the first time I saw it. I do remember that I found the stiff wiggling a bit strange. It just took so much away from him. It made him look fake happy. And he's a pretty genuinely happy guy. That weekend, I saw the Lip Thing a few more times, each in response to my short 'do somehow. I guess I knew he was lying. And not that any lies are good, but at least it wasn't over anything real important. I still was still quite a hot nineteen-year-old. My favorite age. Mainly because I was thin and cute.

I don't think I knew I was testing him back then. Okay, maybe just a teensy bit, but in truth, I had always wanted short hair to try it out, be different, find a good style for my pumpkin head and baby fine thin hair. Either way, he passed the test. Think of what that means to a man in his Weird Man World. I could picture it, introducing me to his guy friends, "Yeah, this is Maggie, the most wonderful woman I have even known. Isn't she just striking?" And then following up later when I'm in the bathroom with, "Yeah, guys, she had long hair a week ago," as the crowd of men sighed in unison.

And yet, he loved me. He supported me. He still told me I was beautiful. Again, many women may have dismissed this as insignificant, or as a given, or just as no big deal. Alas, naive ones, remember they live in Weird Man World -- where long hair on your lady friend, especially your new one you have to introduce as your pick out of all the women in Madison, is second in importance to maybe cold beer. He never asked me to grow it back out. He never asked me to stop cutting it. He never really mentioned it again. It makes you wonder if he really knew what was worth getting into a spiff over and what wasn't, what really meant something and what didn't, what he liked and what he really didn't like. And again, he twinkled.